My Joyful Chaos: Journey to Healing and Finding a NEW Life in Jesus Christ

June 26, 2021

DEAR SELF ,

You are indeed a Survivor You have been trying hard to cope with your inner demons since you were still five and now most especially during this time of the pandemic, You found yourself so lost and oftentimes felt as though you were in the dark. The year 2020 brought a lot of realizations to a lot of people and you never saw that happening in your life. You thought that you would be good and that you could overcome the pandemic and your family would be safe and that you would survive. But, not without Jesus! It was as though some kind of lighting struck you by surprise!









this photo was taken on your trip to Malapascua to settle things out with yourself and find peace and there in the oceans you found the Lord. you have deep realizations from this trip and even got depressed the week after. it was a holy week.



YOU HAVE DEALT WITH DEATH AND GRIEF

Your father passed away in October of 2020 due to a heart attack everything was so sudden and you felt as though the world was different and it was new all over again. You felt that as though you have to walk on Earth with your own two feet all over again. It felt like a Rebirth for you. It was tough. You were scrambling for the ground to keep your foot grounded and also keep yourself afloat on the deep waters that seemed like rushing over you.

YOUR FEAR OF ABANDONMENT AND REJECTION SET IN

You started to hold onto your relationships even if they were just all made up in your mind. The pandemic and lockdown expose a lot of what was just within. The virus exposed what a lot of people are really made out of inside. You started learning about your mental health illness. A new level of depression started to kick inside you. You started to feel numb.
YOU WERE DIAGNOSED WITH PTSD AND BPD

CHILDHOOD TRAUMA. it is easy to want to escape reality completely instead of coping with it...

When you were diagnosed with having Borderline Personality Disorder last April right then and there you FINALLY understood why you had episodes or thoughts that make you want to escape the world. Even when you were young. You even thought of going to the convent and become a nun because you see it as the ONLY safest place to be in. When you have trauma there are a lot of things happening and going on inside you physically and most of the time it's mentally. Some grow to have mental illnesses and disorders just like you. You see it as a really bad world due to your trauma as a child and you wanted to escape your reality. Hence, your disassociation episodes and now it has worsened maybe with the pandemic and also with aging. You are turning 35 this year and just knew about your mental disorder just recently. Just imagine how your life was before the diagnosis it was a total CHAOS. Your life was happy chaos but still, you don't regret it. Now you have found the Joy in Jesus! In the Holy Ghost.

It has given you the truth about the wisdom you have. There is wisdom in trauma. You haven't watched the documentary though but you felt that this should be raised more in our society. Let us face the reality this is real and more people are affected. anyone can get it. It's what happens inside us when we have trauma that causes all bad things that happen to us or to the things people with trauma inflict on others.

BE KIND. BE AWARE. RESPECT and UNDERSTAND

Dr. Gabor MatΓ©: “There is one major source of illness – I am talking about any kind of illness, whether that’s so-called mental illness or physical illness – and that is childhood trauma.”


FORGIVENESS LED TO HEALING

When you forgave, you finally truly forgave them, those people who have hurt you, then your journey to healing unfolded before your very eyes. Your inner child appeared at the onset of one of your dissociation episodes. She finally came out! After 29 years. You finally saw that that "WAS" you and it "IS NOT" who you are now.
@itsgrazestrella

finally my five year old inner child got the release and comfort she needed all along. this is the first time I got to see her... ##bpddiaries ##bpdmom

♬ original sound - Gracina Estrella ♥️


There is an even greater battle than the battle with the virus and the pandemic, it is the battle within us. The pandemic gave us a time to get out of the binds that hold us away from Jesus and find that freedom and light from our only savior.

In the midst of all the chaos that is around us, let us also be mindful of the chaos that is within us and within others. The pandemic has not only opened our eyes to what the virus took away from us but also to the hell that holds us inside.

Let us be mindful let us be ever vigilant of what our eyes cannot see, just as our enemies are ever ready to attack us. Let us all be not only the medical front liners but let us also be the spiritual warriors for each other and let faith be greater than our fear.

ALL GLORY AND PRAISE TO JESUS! He is indeed the way to the light!

I am proud of you!
Your newfound self,
Graz


This story is an entry to ComCo Southeast Asia’s “Write to Ignite Blogging Project Season 2: Dear Survivor”. The initiative continues to respond to the need of our times, as every story comes a long way during this period of crisis.  The initiative aims to pull and collate powerful stories from the Philippine blogging communities to inspire the nation to rise and move forward amidst the difficult situation. The “Write to Ignite Blogging Project” Season 2 is made possible by ComCo Southeast Asia, with Eastern Communications and Jobstreet as co-presenters, with AirAsia and Xiaomi as major sponsors, and with Teleperformance as sponsor.

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